Friday, March 16, 2012

My Cat is Freddie Kreuger in Disguise


So, every night before I go to bed, I put the dog to bed and spend a little one-on-one time with the cat. We play. His favorite toys? The rubber ring from the dog's water bowl, a bow of curly ribbons, his leash and me. One of our games? We skulk through the house - well, he skulks and I pretend to look for him. He likes to hide behind the dining room curtains, under chairs, in boxes and I'll "look" for him. When I pass him without seeing him (or so I let him think), he'll pounce on me and run off again. It's a relatively safe game, although my feet and ankles do take some abuse.

Last night we were playing the game. Only kitty decided to try a new hiding place. Behind an outlet station where 2 phones, 2 computers and my ereader were all plugged in to charge. And then kitty decided that those plugged in cords looked remarkably like snakes and he needed to kill them. Far be it from me to ruin his fun, but I didn't want to have to explain fried kitty to the kid in the morning, so I tried to shoo him out. That just pissed him off.

There was no way I was getting him out of there without extricating him by force.

I bent down, scooped him up and lifted him to tuck him against my chest. That's when he decided that my face was his next target. It went something like this...

Me: No! Bad kitty! *scoop kitty up*
Kitty: Die bitch! Hissssssreowwrwhaaarrrreeeeee *twist and attach to human's face with all claws*
Me: Owwww! *attempt to dislodge cat*
Cat: Hissssss *sink claws in for better purchase*

Of course, dislodging a cat that's attached to your face is (a) stupid (b) painful and (c) bloody. When it was over, kitty strolled away content in his mastery over me. Or at least my face. Which was dripping blood. Yeah.

I spent the next 20 minutes trying to clean up the mess. I have two deep scratches on the right side of my face and two on the left. There's also a nice flap of skin about the size of half a dime that I had to deal with. Blech. Jeez. Thank God I get a regular tetanus shot (my last was this year, so whee - don't have to go do that).

ps - This morning, I went to make my coffee and a fucking spider had made a nice little home in the Keurig's water tank. I HATE spiders. Actually, it's probably more truthful to say that spiders give me the willies and I can't seem to control the urge to scream and freak out when I see one...(it might be reasonable to call it a phobia)...I vacuumed the bastard out, screaming and squealing and hopping from foot to foot the entire time. I'm pathetic. I'm also usually comatose when I get up, so I have to thank the cat for activating pain receptors because my face hurts & when I got up I didn't need coffee to wake me. Otherwise, I might have made spider coffee this morning, so.... *shudders violently* ... I may have to thank the cat.

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